Celia's entry:
Miss Starling, 28, a regular customer of Fat Harry’s Diner, was still reeling yesterday after being told that she had unwittingly shared a table with ‘Hannibal the Cannibal’, who escaped Broadmore on Friday. The gruesome killer ‘was very courteous’ when he entered the diner and asked if he could sit opposite Miss Starling. ‘The place is always crowded on a Friday night – and so I said of course. I had no idea it was him,’ she said.
Other customers at the restaurant claimed to have been totally unaware of the vicious killer’s presence. ‘He looked like a decent chap,’ said Mike Morely, 54, a local car mechanic. ‘He was well dressed, not in convict’s clothes or anything. He looked like a chap from the City.’
It was revealed today that upon escaping the high-security wing, Hannibal’s first stop had been Suits You tailors on the high street, where the owner was found bound and gagged and missing his tongue this morning.
Tom Jones, 34, who was waiting on tables that evening, claims to have identified the criminal. ‘It was when he asked for some fava beans and a nice Chianti,’ said Mr Jones. ‘It’s not on our menu. We’re more your egg and chips sort of establishment. I told him we didn’t do it and he asked for some raw bacon. That’s when something clicked.’ At this point the convict grabbed hold of Mr Jones’s collar, pulled his face close and licked his lips. ‘Scared the sh*t out of me!’
The convict then fled the scene. Police are still searching for Hannibal, last seen dressed in a charcoal grey pinstriped suit and carrying a briefcase. Police warned the public not to approach this man under any circumstances. Fat Harry was unavailable for comment.
Sally's entry:
Swanky diners in Restaurant Le Posh thought they were seeing a right porker with their Sunday nosh yesterday when a wild boar went on the rampage after escaping from the kids' farm next door.
Pépé the pig busted out of his enclosure and did a runner – straight towards the nearest grub.
Horrified diners watched as he
SMASHED through the door
SENT the maitre d' flying and
STUCK his snout in a snooty £60 plate of artichokes and cream.
Stunned passers by stopped to stare as the porker pigged out on SIX dinners and a pudding trolley.
'I've never seen an appetite like it,' said Posh chef Antoine de Riche. 'At least he appreciated good food.'
But one disgusted diner snorted, 'I thought they sold pig swill in here.'
When shame-faced owner Pete McMurray, 58, turned up he was handed a shocker of a bill for all the grub Pépé troughed. The porky diner then tried to do a runner and was so quick on his trotters it took the entire staff of the restaurant and three policemen to bring him down.
Restaurant Le Posh said the pesky porker had cost them a packet in bust-up furniture and lost customers.
'I dunno how he got out,' moaned McMurray. 'If he goes on like this he's going to be on the menu himself – as PORK SAUSAGES.'
Local mums, backed by The Gossip, have started a campaign to Save Pépé's Bacon, saying nippers really enjoy scratching the hammy Houdini's back when they visit.
'He ate all my Kylie's burger last time we was here,' said busty Sharon Shorwell, 26. 'It's not his fault he likes his grub.'
And as for Restaurant Le Posh - we think the pig's verdict was : TOP TROUGH!!!
Geoff's entry:
Mouths gaped yesterday at The Indian, Wrinkweed’s best-loved and only Indian restaurant. And it wasn’t the chilis that caused the gaping. Look no further than supposedly banged-up local boxing legend Mildred Moran who swooped in and caused a right old bhindi bargee.
On the run since allegedly fracturing the skull of Clacton Prison warden, Len Smith, last Saturday night, Moran hadn’t surfaced until this close encounter of the unkind at The Indian. Arthur Iqbal, proprietor, described the incident which left his clientele reeling.
He said Moran barged into the restaurant just after the pubs closed and shouted for a take-away biriani and chips. What the heavyweight hadn’t catered for though, was that warden Len Smith’s sister Josie was sitting feet away, tucking into her chicken tikka. Recognising Moran instantly, Josie jumped up, grabbed a ketchup bottle and swished the contents all over the stunned Moran. She then fled the premises, yelling, “There sister, Clacton Nick can’t wait to get you back!”
Diner Roy Baines from Southend said that by the time everybody cottoned on, Mildred Moran looked as if she’d staggered out of a major accident. “She wasn’t just spotted with ketchup, she looked to be seriously splattered with blood. She wiped it out of her eyes with a slab of nan bread, then scarpered pronto, under a hail of chick peas from some giggling girls by the door.”
Mr Iqbal insisted, “We are not usually having woman violence in our quiet place” and was keen for this fracas not to tarnish the fine reputation of his restaurant.
The embarrassed Mildred Moran, 1996 Essex boxing champion, had been serving a 4 year sentence for robbery with assault, after requesting 23 other offences to be considered. The above photo, snapped by Baines, will surely tarnish Moran’s image as Lady Bruiser.
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