Geoff's entry:
Earthlings can be hard to swallow!
But they’re worth it for the laugh, so come and experience our first ever landing on the comical Grubby Planet!
We’ve watched Earthlings filming us in our UFO’s for years but they’ve never convinced anybody else they didn’t make it up!
That’s why this trip will be such a wow… Earthlings believe their infinitely tiny brains are
the most advanced form of life in the universe!
Join us. Land amongst them and salivate at their remarkable weirdness.
It’s perfectly safe, they won’t believe we’re there, even though they believe in ghosts…
and gods, the perfect all-knowing, non-existing wisps of self-righteousness in whose name they wage war and slaughter each other!
Fear not, we’ll just be there to observe and enjoy.
Be amazed at the array of colours Earthlings come in and goggle at how nobody likes their own. The pale ones burn themselves in the sun to become as brown as the dark ones
who bleach themselves with chemicals to get pale.
Come on! How can you turn down a trip to witness that sort of craziness?
You’ll revel at Earthlings’ obsession with travelling their planet to find ever more ‘beautiful’ scenery, not realising that it’s all utterly drab compared to ours.
The bleakness will amaze you!
Gape at Earth’s only awesome, noble beings, the Animals. Then see Earthlings pet them like imbeciles, shave their bodies but not their legs, tart them up in fancy clothes,
or simply eat them.
But hurry! Time is short. The Grubby Planet will soon be gone. Its occupants insist on polluting and destroying everything they love about their natural environment and lacklustre civilisations. Future Earthlings may visit us but may not be half as entertaining away from home.
Catch them where they live! Book now!
Zena's entry:
Earth – blue, beautiful and full of life!
View the beautiful rings of the gaseous outer worlds as you journey to the third planet.
Earth - average gravity 9.80665 m/s2 , atmosphere 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, 1% other. Surface temperatures vary from –50o to +60 o : a climate for everyone! The sky appears blue unless it’s cloudy. Rain is freshwater. If using your own transport don’t land on water unless you are an aquatic life form (see our Earth for Aquatics Brochure). Aim for a hard surface: the crust is of silicate materials and generally sturdy.
Human Beings
- Billions of us. In two forms: male and female, ranging from new-born and helpless to around 90 years old and helpless, with some years of self-sufficiency in between.
- Social anthropoids mainly communicating vocally. You may not understand our languages but neither do we
Basic Essentials
- Clothes. Ensure any external genitalia are covered
- Money. Humans will not give you any. Procure some before you arrive or bring items to exchange for money
Food
- Humans eat almost anything as long as it’s dead (if you prefer live food, see our Earth for Alien Hunters Brochure)
Drink
- Water is plentiful in most places but check for quality. Sea water is saline. Alcohol is ubiquitous
Hygiene
- Humans do not like to smell other humans so if you smell like musk or a plant you will be welcomed
Getting around
- on land - wheeled, motorised, weather-proof metal vehicles
- on water - large floating lumps of steel or wood
Ludicrously Special Offer!
Stay 24 hours for one revolution or 365 days for a full rotation of the Earth’s axis!
Forget the solitude of other planets – experience the active variety of
Earth
The holiday of a lifetime!
Celia's entry:
Calling occupants of interplanetary craft!
Next time you are making a timewarp flight to the cosmic rainbows of Glorious 7, why not take the opportunity of sampling in a little primitive culture, as found on ‘Earth’ (star-point 11.47.99.934)? It is one of the Spiral galaxy’s best-kept secrets – just a billion light years from home, it makes the perfect stopover between long-haul galactic jumps.
On this small, blue planet you will find peace and tranquillity as all the trimmings of modern life are stripped away, leaving only basic electricity and wireless communications. Without the constant buzz of your thought-com, you will soon feel relaxed and know that while you are on Earth, your thoughts are your own. *
We offer several packages, designed to make your visit to Earth memorable:
- • The history tour: Cruise in a low-tech ‘saucer’ over famous landmarks of our ancestors, from the very first landing platform at ‘Stonehenge’ to the crash site at ‘Roswell’ (special anniversary flights available for those who wish to pay their respects).
- • The nature tour: Here you will be fitted with our patented Earthling suits so that you can fully engage with this intriguing species. Travel with the herds as they migrate to and from Millennium Wharf in the bustling city of ‘London’; watch a game of ‘football’; witness first-hand the species’ primitive need to kill in ‘Afghanistan’.
- • The communicate tour: New to our range is the chance to leave a message for our Earth brothers. Using simple stealth cloaking devices, and under cover of darkness, leave your own personalised pattern in ripening crops – we have yet to receive a reply, but you never know.
* Galactic Federation rules state that the use of 5th-dimension devices is strictly prohibited in the airspace of a primitive planet.
Chris's entry:
Limited Period Only! Witness the Death of a Planet!! Once-in-a-lifetime Opportunity! Not to be Missed!!
Planet Earth - mauled by its dominant species to the point where life itself will soon be wiped out! Witness this Real-Life Drama in Real-time!! Take a luxury stratosphere cruise, lasting 7 revolutions of the planet.
“Flying saucer” day-trip excursions to ground level included in the price:
WITNESS the very last tiger (furry quadruped, cute but deadly) as it lifts its sad eyes and weeps at the full moon for its lost brothers and sisters.
LUXURIATE in melting ice caps. THRILL as giant icebergs turn to water before your eyes. SHOWER beneath them while helpless whales (another indigenous species, more intelligent) sing you mournful songs of fin de siècle and death.
RIDE in the eye of giant hurricanes. OBSERVE as civilisations below you are torn up by storms, and their debris scattered across continental landmasses!
SURF the diminishing coral reefs and sinking atolls, catching that last wave as it breaks on the last rocky outcrop. Afterwards, in our luxury restaurant in the ionosphere, SELECT your choice of creature from our giant aquaria - each specimen GUARANTEED to be the LAST SURVIVOR of its species. Your choice will then be COOKED to your instructions by our expert 5-Galaxy chefs.
During your free time, SUNBATHE in the greenhouse effect, while you sip Ozone Cocktails, and LAUGH at the translated broadcasts of political leaders reassuring their populations that all is well, “nothing to worry about".
[Disclaimer: While every attempt has been made to prevent any contact with Earth’s dominant species, homo insapiens, unless the appropriate inoculations have been undertaken prior to embarkation, the operators can accept no responsibility for the results of any accidental contact].
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